Hope wants to remember everything
by Mishka Fogolin
Summary: Oneshot. I was watching some old days eppies from 2001, and every time I watch these particular scenes, the intense chemistry between DH and KA, makes me think of a totally  different ending…


**A/N Okay, my first attempt at a oneshot fic (I know, I know, still got another long one to finish), however, I was watching some old days eppies from 2001, and this particular scene (I'll write the actual scene in italic, that I obviously colored a bit with my own take on what they were thinking and feeling) and every time I watch it, the intense chemistry between DH and KA, makes me think of a _totally_ different ending… You will see the parts in normal font being what I added, and the italic is the actual dialogue from the scene. Obviously the thoughts I added is in italic as well, as it is my silent take on the scene.**

**Here goes, sometime in 2001… Hope knows John is JT's father, Bo has no clue yet. She still doesn't remember a thing, and it clearly frustrates her…**

_Hope is walking in Salem Place, feeling upbeat for a change, JT's health seems to be on the mend, and Stefano has left town. What more can a girl want out of life? _

"_Answers" a little voice whispers in her mind. She chooses to ignore it. If she starts wondering about all the torturous questions now, her entire day will be spoiled._

_She rounds the bend on the way to the Java café, as a hand on her arm suddenly pulls her back, and she hears John's voice._

"_Hey, Hope."_

_She catches her breath, and feels her heart go back to normal, wondering where on earth he appeared from. She didn't even see him approaching._

"_Jeepers! You scared me!" she was about to say "Jesus", but since JT's been around she's been trying to be more kid-friendly these days, so she automatically ended up changing it to "jeepers…"_

"_I am glad I ran into you…"_

_John steps closer, lowering his voice. The personal space between them have been shrinking systematically the past couple of weeks, as they spend more and more time speaking in hushed voices, discussing the secret that was forced upon them._

"_I tried calling, but I didn't feel like leaving a message…"_

"_What's up?" _

_John looks around to see if there is anyone around that knows them, then pulls her over to a less crowded spot, while saying…_

"_We need to talk… Come on."_

_As they round the bend, he starts:_

"_So, Hope… about our little secret…"_

_Hope interrupts.._

"_What? Are you worried I won't keep it? I am the one who convinced you that no-one can know…"_

"_Hope…" he stops and she turns to him._

"_John, I have no intention of telling anyone that you are JT's father. You, me and Marlena are the only people that know…"_

"_Wrong. Lets add one more person to the list."_

_Hope eyes widen in surprise._

"_Who are you talking about? Who else knows that Bo isn't JT's father?"_

"_Try Lexie?" _

_Hope sighs, as she hears the name, she had almost forgotten._

"_That's right."_

"_That's right?" John echo's, "That's all you are going to say?"_

"_She overheard me talking to Marlena, put the whole thing together… What was I supposed to do? I couldn't deny it when she asked me."_

"_Well, then why didn't you tell me about it?"_

"_Because I thought Marlena had told you…"_

"_She didn't say anything. I think everyone is trying to stay real quiet about this, and hope it goes away…" John walks around her as he speaks, feeling and looking frustrated. When he stops, Hope is right behind him, hoping to reassure him._

"_Lexie wouldn't say anything, she's one of my best friends…" John grunts, and shakes his head as Hope continues…" She would never hurt me, or Bo, or you for that matter." _

_John still doesn't look convince as she lightly touches his upper arm, then as she rounds him, she wonders aloud…_

"_I am surprised she even mentioned it to you…"_

"_She know the truth Hope…" she swings around to face him…_

"_What?"_

"_She know that I am JT's father."_

"_What? Oh my God… How…?" she feels her legs threatening to give out and she sits down on the nearest bench. John sits down next to her at nearly the same time…_

"_She overheard me talking to Stefano…"_

"_Stefano?" Hope talks over the rest of his sentence… Something about how he didn't know she was there…_

"_Are you saying that Stefano knows?" Their discussion is becoming more heated, yet their voices stay low.._

"_Yes, he knows." John shoots back, fiercely. "He… He has known for a long time…"_

_Hope can see her whole world falling apart. She is battling to breath. Why this? Her mind wonders feverishly, just that morning she felt so overjoyed at the thought of Stefano being out of their lives, if not for good, at least for a while…. This changes everything._

_John hangs his head, staring at nothing in particular, facing away from her, not wanting to see the reaction she will have to this news._

"_Oh my God… Stefano knows that JT… Oh my God, John, How does he know?"_

"_Because…." The answer is so complicated, he decided to just leave it at… "Because he has his ways…"_

"_Stefano has never missed out on an opportunity to hurt the Brady's, so why hasn't he told Bo? Why is he keeping it to himself?"_

_Another complicated answer, involving John begging and pleading and offering info to Stefano… He opts for a simpler version._

"_Just trust me Hope, he has his reasons, alright? There is no point in analyzing this. The fact of the matter is, Dimera is gone."_

"_Oh, great! So just because he isn't in Salem, we are just supposed to forget about it, put it out of our minds?" As she talks, John already starts nodding, emphatically._

"_That's right.."_

"_Don't you realize? He can use this information against us. Whenever he wants, wherever he is, John! My God! Lexie, Stefano! Who else is going to find out about our secret?"_

_John is feeling the pressure building as his mind goes into over drive. He is kneading at his head, messaging at his temples, feeling positively as if he can just run away from the situation._

"_If he knows about this…" Hope hasn't even finished her thought, as he already gets where she is going.."_

"_No….no…"_

"_Why can't Bo?"_

"_Hope, stop."_

"_Why? Maybe it's time… Maybe it's time for Bo to know the truth."_

_As john just sits, staring ahead as if in another world altogether, Hope leans closer._

"_Do you understand what I am saying…?_

_John stand up, abruptly… Hope follows suit._

"_No I don't…"_

"_Maybe it has come down to finally telling Bo the truth…"_

_John turns back to her, pleading into her eyes, imploring her to listen._

"_I want you to listen to me." He steps even closer to her, his hands gestures exaggerated as he hopes to get through to her…." Bo. Is. JT's. father. In the truest sense of the 's Bo who is going to teach that little boy how to ride a bike, he's going to teach him how to throw a football, how to hammer a nail. Bo loves him as his own, and I will be damned if I am going to interfere with that." There is pain in his eyes, as he thinks about everything he is giving up…" JT needs to be clear about who his parents are, and that is you, and that is Bo and there is no good reason to cloud the issue. Not now, not ever. Our main concern, Hope, is protecting that little boy. And I can do that if I know, no… if we know…" somewhere in John's mind a little alarm bell rings, telling him that he is going into dangerous territory, but he has thought about it long and hard, and have decided to share his conclusion with Hope. If it may at some point make a difference in JT's life, it will be worth… sharing something so personal and even possibly embarrassing with the woman who's body was party to the act of creation… "if you and I both know, that that baby was conceived out of love. If we know that, we know that he was brought into this world the right way."_

_As Hope stares at him, taking in what he is saying, and mulling it over, trying to keep her own torturous questions at bay…. It doesn't feel right, she don't remember this… "love" he refers to…_

"_One day he might want to know about that John. The day might come when he asks: Why did you decide to have me mom? What was going on in your life that you decided to have another baby?"_

_John walks closer to her._

"_And what are you gonna say to him? What are you gonna tell him?"_

_She opens her mouth, but having no answer, just shakes her head, and turns her back to him, slowly strolling away, still shaking her head. John walks behind her…_

"_You are going to tell him…" they stop as she stares into the distance listening to him, a million thoughts rushing through her mind… "JT, honey, you were conceived out of love. And that's all he needs to know."_

_Silently she wonders how she is supposed to say that. How she is supposed to lie to her own son. She has no memories of that time… it is the fact that she cannot remember that makes her feel violated. Not by John, he was a victim, the same as herself, but by the unknown. Things were being done to and with her body that she has no recollection of, and with time, the longer it has been, without any memories, the more violated she feels. It is one of the reasons that she has gone from not wanting to remember to needing to remember, needing to put things into perspective. She needs to be able to see and remember the conception of her own child as a night of passion as opposed to a rape not only on her body but also on her mind._

_She turns back to John._

"_You remember that moment, I don't. I wanna remember…" she takes a step closer to him, wanting him to understand that she is serious, "John, I wanna remember everything."_

_John looks up at her, wondering if she understands how difficult remembering is, how it completely changes your view of the other person. He doesn't want her to remember. At the moment he can look at her, remember what they shared, foolishly and guiltily accept the fact that he wonders what it would be like if they were in the same situation, and then move on, certain that no matter how it may affect his emotions, and even his libido, it will not affect his life. If she was to remember, if she were to feel the same… Who knows what could happen. It could destroy their lives._

_John shakes his head, then still shaking it starts pacing as these thoughts run through his mind. It is the first time he had recognized that this was his fear all along. _

_Hope tries to get him to stand still, he freezes as she takes his arm, pulling at it to get him to look at her._

"_John. Look." Sigh "We can't be polite about this, or worry about being akward. This is my son we are talking about. You remember everything. The words. The feelings. I don't have anything to remember. Nothing."_

_He can see she is hurting, struggling, may even if he tries hard enough, be able to understand how she feels, that she most probably feel violated, but he can't tell her…_

"_I'm sorry…"_

"_No, that's not want I'm looking for, I don't want an apology, I want to know what happened. Please! You have to tell me everything."_

_John just stares at her, wondering how he can possibly get this idea out of her mind. How can he make her understand how dangerous this is, without revealing how she… affects him? Yes, he is admitting it to himself. She affects him. Her beautiful smile, her strength as she forges on caring for JT through all the emergencies, the sleepless nights, the endless crying, her touch when she tries to make a point, and he refuses to understand. Add to that the dangerous images he has of her in his mind, and you have the makings of an explosive situation._

"_I think we have been through this before, haven't we?"_

"_And I still don't know anything."_

"_And I think it's better if you don't."_

"_Better not to know anything about the conception of my own child?"_

_John shakes his head again, turn away from her, wondering how on earth he can get her to just understand that it is a bad idea. Perhaps if he can take away the feeling of violation? Perhaps then she will back off?_

_He turns back to her._

"_Okay, I'll tell you this much. It wasn't sex, Hope. We made love. I know you weren't Hope, I wasn't myself, but at that moment, whoever we were at that time, we were in love and that's all you need to know."_

"_No, it's all I needed to know when I wasn't strong enough to handle the truth. Now I am. John I don't just wanna know, I have to know."_

_Hope pleads into his eyes, wishing she could convey the terrible feeling she gets when she abstractly thinks of herself doing things she can't remember. A haunted feeling, like when you find out you were eating a whole chocolate cake while sleep walking, and the fear that you may have no control of where your body goes and what it does._

"_When JT was so sick, when I really thought I was going to lose him, yes, then I was afraid of knowing and remembering everything that took place, but I am not afraid anymore John. Nervous? Maybe. Vulnerable? Maybe. But I am not afraid." Of knowing at least, she adds silently._

"_That still doesn't mean it is a good idea. It can hurt you in ways you don't even know about." How can he make her understand?_

_Hope smiles at him, not a happy or a joyous smile, just a smile as she realizes how much he means to her. How grateful she is for his best intentions, even though it is exactly what frustrates her._

"_You would never hurt me. John… You have been such a rock through everything I have been through with JT. When Bo couldn't be there for me, you were there for me to lean on, and when Bo decided he was ready to be a father to JT, you stepped back. That proved to me that you would never hurt me, or our son."_

"_Then you trust me right now when I tell you that the past is best left behind." He whispers, hoping that she would just believe him. No such luck._

"_John, you are being naïve. We made a child together, and you yourself said that we were two different people…" he starts shaking her head, wishing she would just accept what he is saying, while she continues… "and I need to know about those two people. Please, I need to know about John and Gina and you are the only one who can tell me…"_

"_Dammit, Hope…"_

"_And I am NOT leaving until you do._

_John gives a humorless laugh, as he realizes that even her stubbornness affects him, her passion to stand her ground. And also how she called him naïve, when she is the one who is naïve to think that these memories will not change their lives forever._

_He walks around her, not able to keep facing her, muttering to no-one in particular._

"_I feel like I am on dangerous ground here…"_

"… _and I don't understand why you do…"_

_He turns back, forcing himself to look her straight in the eyes._

"…_because if I told you who John and Gina were, or if I told you what they were about, the truth, you would never look at me the same way again." _

_Hope steps back as he gets too close, as the intensity in his eyes burn into hers. The fire scares her. The vehemence with which he speaks…_

"_Did we do such horrible things John? Were you and I such horrible people that you are afraid that if I know the truth, that I couldn't live with myself?"_

_She still doesn't get it. He sighs._

"_No, it's not that."_

"_Then why are you so damn afraid to tell me the truth?"_

_John fidgets and stares in silence. How on earth can he make her understand? Then it grows quiet in him. He will share with her the kind of relationship he or rather the old John had with Gina, perhaps if he gives her a glimpse, she can understand and back off. Perhaps he can convey his fear without letting on that he wants to touch her, kiss her, validate to himself that the passion in those memories were really as intense as he remembers. When he speaks, his voice is quiet as he tries to put into words the feelings he remembers._

"_The love between John and Gina… was magical, it was exciting, dangerous and…" he looks up at her… "sensuous. It was everlasting, Hope, it crossed the boundaries of time. Even death."_

_Hope looks down, burned by the intensity in his gaze, the dreamlike quality of his voice._

"_It was almost… as if… we were destined to be together to conceive our child."_

_His last thought makes her feel like, JT wasn't a mistake. He couldn't be. No child could be a mistake._

"_Like it was meant to be." She fills in for him._

_John stares at her, wondering if he said too much, if he opened up to her too much._

_Hope in turn thinks over the facts of what she have heard and gathered so far. Could Gina's actions, that lead to all this have been ordained by some higher being, by God? He is finally opening up. She must know everything, from the beginning. What, how Gina got her into this mess._

"_You don't need to tell me that I took you captive, I already know that…" she prompts, waiting for him to take the tale further…_

"_yeah, only the truth is, once I got on that submarine, I didn't feel like a captive, I was part of the plan. I was a willing participant…" he stops as he wonders if he should add the truth, then before he can make up his mind, he hears the words coming from his lips… "more than any other time I was ever with Gina."_

_He closes his eyes, as the passion he felt that time overwhelms his senses. Danger. He must stop now._

"_I can't talk about this. I can't, I feel like I am betraying Marlena. I know that doesn't make any sense…" he turns again, not able to face her. _

"_Maybe not, but I understand." Hope offers. John opens his mouth to speak, then closes it again, thoughts running through his mind, begging to be made into words. Again he wills his mouth shut, but not after a pause, the words spill from them anyways._

"_What we did…" he breathes "What we did was so intimate, was so…" _

_Hearing the intensity in his voice, Hope has a sudden understanding. _

"_Erotic?"_

_Yes. He thinks silently, that and so much more… She is starting to get it. He turns back to her. They are standing way too close, she can feel his breath on her face as he quietly tries to get his point across. _

"_If I make you remember, it will stay with us until the day we day. The memory will be a part of the two of us, forever." _

_Silently Hope thinks to herself: That's because it is supposed to be. It happened. It is a part of my life, whether it should be or not. Then she answers him._

"_Maybe we don't have a choice." _

_John stares at her. She still doesn't understand the danger, stubbornly and bravely she pushes out her chin as if she understands his thoughts._

"_I am sure you can understand that I am worried about what could happen to you and Bo…" he tries, she cuts him off._

"_I am not worried about betraying Bo, because I have no memory of being with you."_

"_If I told you about it, that will change." He states flatly, turning and starts walking towards the park, Hope hot on his heals._

"_How? John! It will be like reading a book, you will be telling me about someone else's experiences, not mine. It's not like I'll connect with that other person."_

_John turns abruptly._

"_You__ don__'__t __know__ that __for __sure, __do __you?__" _He walks a little more, Hope following, then turns again, and resume talking as if they didn't just cross another 10, 15 meters.

"_What__ if __what __I__ tell __you__ just__ triggers __something?__" _again he walks off, Hope trailing after him as she speaks.

"_Don't you think if there was a possibility of that, I would've remembered by now?"_

By this time they have reached a quiet part of the park, a little corner John usually comes to, to think, the reason his feet unconsciously brought him here. He swings around so fast, Hope nearly collides with him.

"_I sincerely don't know. I just don't think the risk is worth it. Hope, everything you do and say tells me that nothing is more important than your husband and your family. Do you really wanna gamble with all that?"_

Hope throws up her hands, making a sound which sounds like a growl and a sigh of frustration.

"There is no risk, John. Do you honestly think Stefano would not have made sure that I never remember, no matter what the topic of conversation? He would end up in jail if I can remember everything I did for him, and actually know how to prove it"

He looks at her, his mouth falling open a bit. He tried, so, so hard to get her to understand, and she still doesn't get it. The stubborn woman still thinks that it can't affect her, that the past can't affect her, that she is somehow immune to the danger that lies within them. An all consuming rage fills him. Why, he cannot understand, he just knows that he will make her understand, one way or another. Somewhere in the back of his mind, a little voice niggles, trying to tell him that he is being unfair towards her, that he is taking his own fear and pain, and targeting her, that what he is contemplating is dangerous and reckless and would do more harm than good. He is in full mercenary mode, for that is what the rage does to him. He sets a goal, and he achieves it. His conscience cannot get through at a time like this.

Damn the consequences.

Hope steps back, seeing the change in him. His posture rights itself, his eyes burn with rage, his fists clench and unclench, and his jaw is wired shut with anger. And yet through his teeth, he starts hissing at her.

"You don't get it do you? If you remember we are all done. Our lives as we know it, will be over. Is that what you want? What is it you want to know Hope? What is it you want me to tell you?"

Hope backs up slowly, as advances on her, and then she comes to a halt as she runs out of room to run. The grey stones of the back park wall are behind her back. John sees the alarm in her eyes, but it doesn't deter him, the mercenary in him finds accomplishment in the fact that he is making an impression, that he is slowly shattering her calm stubbornness.

"Maybe I should go further, and instead of telling you, show you. Make you feel what I am trying to avoid."

As he closes the last little gap between them, and she feel his breath on her lips, sees the malice in his eyes, she realizes what he is intending, and breathes on word.

"No!"

"No, what? You don't even have the faintest idea what you are saying no to, Hope." He pushes his hands into her hair, pulls her body to him with his other hand then pulls her head back, before pressing his lips against hers. He hasn't even done half of what he intended, he hasn't even let his tongue dart out to search for her heat, and yet she is burning up. There is a roaring in her ears, and then a sudden flash. _John __nipping__ at__ her__ collarbone__,__ before __crashing __his __lips __to __hers __and__ the__ feverish __way__ she__ meets __him __half__way._She gasps as the memory struck her, involuntarily opening her lips, and then she feels it for real; John diving into her as if he is a parched traveler and she, a fountain.

In the back of John's mind a little voice reminds him that he is asking for trouble, but then she kisses him back, hungrily, and he realizes that he wanted this trouble, more than he had ever wanted anything before. He will make her remember, and deal with the fall out later.

"Or do you want to remember what this feels like?" his voice, now less angry and more passionate rings in her ears, as he pulls her head back even further, trailing burning kisses down her jaw, neck and then her collarbone. She arches, pushing her hands into his hair, feeling his right hand, pulling her leg up and around his waist, as he pushes her into the wall, cursing softly in her ear as he realizes her sharp intake of breath was from feeling his hardness pressing up against her, knowing full well that he has just crossed a line that can never be drawn again. He is lost. His life is over. And in Hope's mind, she has drawn the same conclusion as she remembers what he felt like, on top of her, around her, inside her.

Today their worlds, as they know it, has come to a crushing end.


End file.
